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| So I got my second tattoo yesterday. 
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| I'm tired of giving into him and I realize it's not like the more I fuck him, that those exes who got away will come back. Nothing will bring anyone back into your life who doesn't want to be in it. I will never be first in his mind, nor really on his mind for more than 10 seconds. So why do I allow myself to have him in my thoughts so much. I need a knew project, a new guy. Serious or not, I need to replace him for someone who isn't him. I did have fun last night, but it wasn't because I was hanging out with him and his friends. His friends show me more attention than he does, but when it makes me feel cheap, that's no good. If I get rid of him, I have no one. I'm still vunerable, two years later. What the fuck. I have a sickness.
Trying to push him to the back and the one and only thing I'm looking forward to. My tattoo appointment this thursday.
I want my job back, something or someone to hold onto. Anything to numb the way I feel for him and myself. | | |
| I don't update my Livejournal anymore let alone this. I just don't feel like keeping a memory of things that have been going on in my life now. I don't want to be reminded that I have been friends with benefits with a guy I have known for over two years and have been in the fwb for about a year and a half. I don't want to be reminded that I am writing Jimmy in prison and I still love him almost as much as I used to after him leaving me over two years ago. As of now I have ended the friends with benefits because I would rather be alone than be treated like nothing. Calling me up once every month at 1 or later in the morning is bullshit and I'm sick of it. It's never on my terms, when I want it. Jimmy writing me and making it seem that he never was in love with me makes me sick to my stomach. That we're friends. I sound like a bitch, but my exes will never be my friend. Whether I dated them for two years or two months; I'm not that kind of person who feels comfortable with it. Next step is leaving Jimmy alone for good. He cut me out of his life easily, two years ago so it should be like that for me..especially since it's just writing back and forth. The idiot I am just wants him to know that I am there for him, but that means I care, then that means I still love him and I don't want to. It's exhausting. I was laid off almost a month ago. I may be moving to California to live with one of my uncles, then the Philippines to continue school. Maryland hasn't done anything for me, so why stay?! I just don't want to rely on anyone, but if I stay here, I am and if I go, I am. I hate blogging because it brings out the ramblings in me. | | |
| As of now I'm not going, but my dad doesn't know yet. No one knows. I'm sure my family here has a hint of the idea of my staying since I haven't done anything to get ready to leave. What the hell is wrong with me?! I don't know how to tell my father that I don't want to go to school there. It's not my responsibilty to take care of him even though he believes he was there for me and my sister. Financially, somewhat, but not enough for us to survive healthy in this world. He is 75, his girlfriend left him. He lives by himself in a big house in a third world country. I'm sorry for misleading him, but he actually put words in my mouth saying I'm doing this I'm doing that. I hope he will stop trying to control my life, plan my future. Just because I don't go to college doesn't mean I will be homeless, please just stop dad. I love you, care about you more than you will ever know. I am not choosing my mom, my family here over him and family over there or in California. I am choosing to stick it out in the states. I'm so sorry, but I shouldn't be sorry if it's what I want. I am twenty-four years old, too old for this and so are you for trying to control me. Visited Jimmy in jail..I don't know if it's good or not. I don't think it's good for me to even write let alone see him. His mother and one of their neighbors went as well..it was awkard and Jimmy just talked about pointless crap just like in his letters. I will say if that is what keeps him together in there then fine. | | |
| The more I find myself looking up plane tickets, the more I feel I don't want to leave the states. I love America, just not Maryland. I love my dad, just not the Philippines. What a dilemma. Time is running out fast. My mom cried when I told her saturday that I have decided to leave; I felt like shit. | | |
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